I have been thinking about writing a blog post like this for quite a while. I don't want to glorify it, so I won't be adding cover photos or anything cute. This is just me, spilling my thoughts. Talking it all out like two friends sitting at a coffee shop. It is immensely nerve wracking to sit down at a computer and type out all of the thoughts I have been hiding away in journals, but I know that talking about it will not only help me, it could help others, and it will heal me as well. I'm not sure if I will publicly post about this. I probably won't even add a "swipe up" thing on my story. I feel like it is just equally important to me to write how I am feeling and finally get it off my chest.
I feel like I have been lying to the internet for the entire month of October. In reality, this past month has probably one of the hardest months of my life. On social media, everything looks perfectly fine! My makeup is still done, my hair is still curled, and I still go out - but mentally, that is a whole other story. I feel like if you follow me on twitter, you may have seen snippets of what I have been thinking lately, but thats still not even half of the emotional battle that I have been facing. I got a message the other day from a sweet girl who follows me, and she asked if I was okay. She had noticed patterns in my tweets, "finsta" post and how I would disappear from instagram days at a time. If you even know me at all you know I love social media. I have never viewed it as a toxic place, and I have always strived to cultivate a landing spot of encouragement, positive outlooks, and just overall happiness. Yet recently, I have found myself distancing from my favorite accounts, and just overall feeling burdened my the thought of posting a collaboration or picture, MUCH LESS A BLOG POST!!
I will probably get tons of messages about the situation, and honestly I couldn't pinpoint an exact thing that happened that caused me to lose it. College, leaving for college, car accidents, my job, my friends being gone, my burden with social media, relationships, and intentionally not trusting the Lord. I feel like all of those topics had something to do with it all and everything just naturally piled up. I felt like happiness was such a distant place for me to be. I feel like I'm just running on a treadmill trying to reach the other side of the room, when in reality I'm not going anywhere. Every morning waking up is physically draining, and don't even get me started on my sleep schedule! I truly and honestly think that my patterns of keeping everything in caught up with me, and after one thing snapped, my whole life began to unravel. I feel stupid for even thinking that the things I struggle with are worth writing a blog post about. I know that at the end of the day there are kids across the country fighting for their lives, there are new moms who just lost their babies, and people hurting way worse than I ever could. I just know that for most of us, the things we struggle with are in our heads, and fighting that can be a never-ending battle.
As I am writing this, I am happy to say that I am publicly announcing that I am striving to be the best possible version of myself. We are talking about 2016-2017 Brittany. The girl who made it her job to watch every sunset, to hug her family harder, to pour her love into others, and encourage those who need it. Thank you to every person who took time out of their day to send me a text message to encourage me. Thank you for believing in the person who I thought I lost. Thank you for sticking by me even when I feel like I'm just dreading by. You guys are the best. NO MORE LYING TO SOCIAL MEDIA!!! Life isn't perfect, but there are millions of things for me to be happy about and I'm going to start focusing on that! Thanks for reading. I pray that November is good to all of us!
If you are reading this and feel as if you resinate with the struggles I am going through, please feel free to reach out. I know that talking about what is hurting you is a hard thing to do, but I feel as if there is freedom in it as well. Opening up the parts of your heart that you keep hidden is such a big milestone in finding happiness. If you are curious about anything to read, I would suggest the book of the Bible, Job. Job lost everything. His home, family, money, etc, yet he CHOSE to trust the Lord and contiune to find joy. In a world like ours, we all could be a lot more like Job. Please know you are loved and prayed for!
About The Author
Brittany Merrill is an eighteen year old who lives by the quote, "Life isn't perfect, but your outfit can be." She is passionate about Jesus, setting new trends, and french fries.